The title of this post is also a 14 word poem I wrote today. I've been really enjoying the 14 words for love project, originally put together by a neighbor in Cary on facebook for Valentine's day. I and many others have grown from reading, writing, and reflecting on poetry about love of all kinds. I've also found the project to be a good outlet for writer's block. Trying to fit an idea into fourteen words is nothing short of a literary puzzle for the brain. Once I "solve the puzzle", I can usually get some other writing work done. The poems that I've read and the ones that I've written for the project have just been cathartic, as anything about love should be.
Anyway, today's poem was prompted by a lot of circumstances, past and present, that seem to keep weaving their way in and out of my life. I am someone who's walked a few miles, and by a few I mean I feel old. Now, I don't feel old because 40% of my hair is now gray, or because I can see the beginning of wrinkles between my eyebrows and the sides of my mouth, although I can. I don't feel old because my child is now five and reads books to me, though that is true, too. I feel old because I've swam through some stuff. Messy stuff. Heartbreaking stuff. Dysfunctional stuff. And I've found that every time I wade through another boiling river, I live another life. Or, I get to experience another life and another life gets shed off of me.
I have been blessed to experience the lives of those dying, of those escaping abuse, of those figuring out who they really are when who they are isn't very accepted, and I've been faced with some hard decisions of my own. When you get close to people in pain you get to live that life with them, just a little. One circumstance that keeps resurfacing is my pregnancy with Isaac, because that was a time when I got to walk in the shoes of "other women". Women who I probably judged until then. And those are the women who are faced with whether or not to get an abortion. It is not a "choice" everyone is faced with. I never thought I would be a married woman, happily pregnant, and still thinking about abortion, but I was. Some people are blessed with good pregnancies, healthy babies, and enough of everything. Enough money, stability, love, support, health. And some of us are not.
I was not. I was so sick in the first two trimesters of pregnancy that at one point I was afraid to go to sleep because I felt so weak that I thought I was going to die. I didn't just imagine that I was going to die because of the pain I was in, but I was actually told by my doctor and the surgeon overseeing my PICC line that it was a possibility if I didn't get better. I was not getting better and was beginning to question my physical ability to continue to carry Isaac. There came a point when my midwife said, "Though I am not recommending it, you may have to consider terminating this pregnancy." And in my mind, as much as that killed me, as much as it filled my heart with just as much acid as was sitting in my throat constantly, I knew she was right. We finally decided to try one last thing for help, and that was going to Women's and Children's Hospital in Buffalo, NY. My dad took me because Andrew as a full time student in his last semester at college, and he was also working. I told both my dad and Andrew that if the doctors at this hospital weren't able to help me that I didn't think I could continue. I was beginning to fear for my life.
Now here is where a lot of my Christian brothers and sisters would say that "Satan was lying" to me. Or that it was my decision not to abort that God "blessed" and took away my sickness. Fine. If that's what you want to believe, fine. The fact is, during my one week stay at the hospital, the doctor was able to find a combination of five different meds that brought me back to tolerable health. Do I consider that a gift from God? Yes. But that doesn't happen for everyone in my situation. And having to think about possibly aborting Isaac, even if it was for my own health, haunted me for a long time. It made me feel guilt, shame, sadness, etc. And it still does from time to time. It haunts me when people pass judgement on those that are faced with this decision for whatever reason. It's like picking a scab. I don't think Jesus picked scabs, for the record. He was usually all about healing. No one seems to suspect that a ministry major from Houghton college has experience in the area of abortion, and that's got a lot to do with how many miles you have or have not walked. There is gray area in most of life, and God doesn't seem to be afraid of it. In fact, God seems to be the most loving when it comes to these dark spots. I think we can be, too.
How can pro-lifers love as Christ loved when it comes to the topic of abortion?
1) Stop throwing our wounds back in our faces via harshly worded posts, articles, t-shirts. These are doing little for your campaign other than alienating those that are hurting. I'm all for educating people on the types and benefits of adoption, programs that they can take advantage of, etc. if you are pro-life. I am not arguing that abortion isn't sad or that you shouldn't be pro-life. I would never take that right away from you. But keep in mind, poverty and lifestyle are not the only things that lead to an abortion. It is often times illness, as in our case. I'm not making that up, I've done my research. I've also just plain lived it. Spend some time on the "high risk pregnancy" floor of a hospital some time, and bring a box of tissues. You'll need it.
2) Take time to learn about other people's experiences with abortion rather than assuming it is merely birth control, lifestyle, or financial reasons that people are faced with this tough choice and then continue to support efforts that help people faced with this decision, i.e. consider adoption, financially supporting a single mom, or just quietly praying for those wading through a messy situation. Oversimplifying this weighty experience as "just a choice" we made or considered is not just hurtful, it's willfully ignorant and unloving.
3) Suspend all judgement until you've climbed inside another's heart and surveyed all the wounds.
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